


It's Called: Freefall

by GalekhXigisi



Series: the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [6]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Donatello (TMNT), Depression, Donatello (TMNT) Needs a Hug, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Michelangelo (TMNT) Had ADHD, Protective Leonardo (TMNT), Protective Michelangelo (TMNT), Protective Raphael (TMNT), Trans Donatello (TMNT), and leo like an aries lmao, donnie is younger bc he seems like a taurus, which he gets btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalekhXigisi/pseuds/GalekhXigisi
Summary: After Mikey realizes Donnie's been acting pretty weird lately, he and his brothers set out to find out what's wrong. However, they had no idea what they were stepping into when they pulled the curtain to his room back, nor the emotional turmoil they would be stepping into.aka, Donnie thinks he's useless now that they all have no need for his inventions, despite what April's told him. Now, his brothers realize the fear that he's held since he's very first taken note of the mystic weapons and get to see just how terrifying everything has been from his mental standpoint.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Series: the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923205
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	1. The first cog in the machine to crack is always the weakest

Mikey frowns as he watches his brother walk out of the room, Donnie’s silence not too abnormal as he got his coffee. He hadn’t put anything in it, which  _ was _ a bit weird, considering that he only ever really drank anything sweet when it revolved around his coffee, which could range anywhere from mostly being sugar and creamer to whatever wild flavors April was making him try since she got her new job at some coffee shop cafe thing. Outside of that, though, the only flavorful thing he would drink would have been maybe an occasional soda or the orange juice he’d have when prompted by Mikey. It really was limited, to be quite honest. 

He turns towards the other two, softly voicing, “Hey,” to them, just attempting to get their attention. 

Leo hums softly, his head turning upwards, away from his phone. He slightly raises a brow at the youngest as Raph did the same, voicing his own, “Yeah, Mikey?” 

“Has Donnie been… a little bit weird around you guys lately, too?” 

Leo frowns himself, shaking his head as he says, “No, he’s been locked up in his lab lately.” 

“I think that’s his point,” Raph suggests. 

Mikey shakes his head slowly. “No, I mean… I mean that it’s really late for him to be getting coffee, even by his standards, and… And we got into a fight yesterday.” 

“A  _ fight,” _ Leo repeats, his brows shooting up. If there were one thing for certain within the Hamato home, it was that Donnie and Mikey rarely  _ ever _ fought. Their fights were so few and far in between that Leo couldn’t remember a genuine fight since they were kids and Mikey had broken one of Donnie’s inventions which had ended with both of them having meltdowns. Leo straightens as he continues, “Why’d you two fight? What was it about? Are you okay?” 

Mikey waves him off. “I didn’t even know we were fighting. I thought we were just joking around and then he got upset and I got upset and we just… We had a fight and Donnie ended up walking out of the room. One minute, we were talking about Jupiter Jim movies, and then we were talking about his inventions and then we were fighting about both, I think. I really don’t  _ know.” _

Raph nods slowly, though, commenting quietly, “He  _ has _ been pretty aggravated at everything lately.” 

“But Donnie is  _ always _ angry,” Leo says, “He’s like a mutant version of a wasp put into a little turtle or something like that.” 

“He’s really…  _ not,” _ Raph mumbles half-heartedly. “I haven’t really seen him much lately. Maybe he’s going through…  _ you know.” _ Raph half-heartedly points to his red bandana. 

The younger two both cringe at his words, but they understand exactly what he means. It wasn’t that Donnie fit too many stereotypes about menstruation, given that they were all turtle mutants and it meant more than just a bit of weird biology, especially given that Donnie was transgender and it meant more than just a few weird things with their species differences, too. However, he had a tendency to close himself off and be a lot snappier with his siblings, much more emotional than typical. He’d rarely ever leave his room if given the chance and there had been more than just a few brotherly bonding moments during these times when Donnie hurt too much to even get out of bed so the brothers had taken turns rotating who brought him food during the day. 

However, Mikey just shakes his head. “No, it’s actually been going on for a couple of months now. He only goes on missions with us and sometimes he goes out with April, but it’s pretty rare to see him with April nowadays and he’s rarely been leaving his room since we fought Shedder that last time.” 

“You think he might still be healing,” Leo questions in a whisper, frowning as his eyes glance at the door for any sign of his brother. “His shell did get pretty messed up when you all fought him the first time, remember?” 

It had been awful, honestly, seeing Donnie in so much pain after his shell was ripped open within just minutes of their first fight with Shedder without Leo and Splinter there. He had fought for so long without a word about it and then once he finally got the chance to say something, he’d fallen apart, damn near literally, and passed out right in front of everyone from blood loss and what might have been an infection, too. That had been horrid on all of them, believing that Donnie may or may not have been battling with his life more than just a bit on the line. 

Raph shakes his head, though. “No, his shell is pretty much done being physically healed up.” 

Fuck knows he mentally wasn’t healed if the times they’d woken up to Donnie screaming or crying from nightmares were any reference to it. He was still within mental shambles from the event and the trio had been set witness to more than just a few meltdowns and panic attacks caused by triggers that they were still learning of. The most important one had been just not to touch his back or come up behind him and touch near the area whatsoever, those two having the worst aftermath they’ve seen, especially the second scenario. 

Both younger brothers shudder in consideration of the mental effects, but Mikey slightly nods to it, looking a bit pale. “Why don’t we just… Ask him what’s wrong,” he suggests in a quiet tone. 

“Is that really a good idea,” Leo asks. 

“It’s kind of all we’ve got right now,” Raph says with a nonchalant shrug as he stands up. He’s already walking out of the room by the time Leo realizes he had even stood up. Mikey is hot on his heels with a look of determination plastered on his face. 

Leo bluntly says, “This is a bad idea.” 


	2. Try to fix the cog, it doesn't always need to be replaced

Raphael had been through a lot in his life, seriously. Between being a mutant turtle and having a bloodline that apparently dates back to forever ago with a destiny to save the world from a world domination thirsty demon, there was bound to be a lot of situations where he would have to pause and reflect. 

Right now is not one of those moments that he has the time to pause, but  _ fuck, _ if he doesn’t need that moment. He really,  _ really _ did want to understand how he now has Donnie pinned beneath him, using his brother’s own bō to keep him pinned down, wood against his throat and arms weakly up, not even fighting against the pressure on his throat, just letting his hands gently touch the claw-scarred wood, splinters threatening the too-human-like skin that Donnie’s always harbored. His younger brother sobs beneath him, rain pouring down their faces as his eyes squeeze shut, blood slipping down his cheek, mixing with rain and tears. His sobs only grow and Raph has to take another moment to realize he’s crying, too. 

“You don’t  _ need me,” _ he whispers to his older brother. 

_ Oh, _ Raph realizes,  _ that’s how they got there. _

-

The room was empty, the four brothers were quick to realize after going from Donnie’s lab to his room. They had even checked the training room, their rooms, their father’s room, and a million other places in the sewers that Donnie frequents. They called April, Repo Mantis, Draxum, Casey, Sunita, and a handful of others that managed to include their “enemies” out of desperation to find their brother. 

And they had turned up with absolutely nothing. 

“I mean, he took his battle shell,” Leo remarks with a slight frown on his features, Mikey could see the anxiety brimming beneath both of his older brothers’ skin, though, seeing the way Raph sharpens at any and all noises while Leo’s hands pat at his sides, fingers thrumming against his thigh. They’ve known each other since they were kids, of  _ course, _ Mikey knows the tells. 

The orange-coded turtle suddenly brightens up, calling out, “Shelldon, buddy, you still here?” 

On cue, the little purple bot rises from his charging station, moving to hover beside his friend-slash-uncle-slash-brother. The family tree  _ was _ admittedly a bit wild in this situation. He hums, greeting them with an excited, “Hey, dudes!” 

“Hi, Shelldon,” Mikey greets right back, smiling lightly. “We have a question. Do you know what’s wrong with Donnie? He’s been acting a little weird.” 

“Oh, Dad,” the little bot asks, successfully getting the others to perk up. Since when had Shelldon started calling Donnie  _ that? _ Was it after Donnie rebooted his old memory files or was it more recent? “He hasn’t been feeling all that great lately. I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about it, it makes him feel bad and he always tries to be super happy about it after I bring it up. I think he feels guilty or something, I don’t know.” 

“Do you know where he is,” Raph asks softly, still frowning slightly, the expression deepening at hearing the bot’s words. What was even up with Donnie? What had him feeling so down? “He didn’t tell us where he was going when he left.” 

The bot half-heartedly shrugs. “Dunno, he put me on the charger and then said he was going to the surface or something. I’m not even part of the way charged, so it wasn’t that long ago. Maybe half an hour ago? He shouldn’t be too far if he didn’t take the tank or shell hogs.”

Mikey nods, his smile brightening slightly. THey’d already checked the hogs and tank for their brother, having not found him there but his inventions remaining. “Thanks, buddy,” he says as he moves to scratch behind one of the many audio sensors on the little robot. Shelldon immediately leans into the touch before pulling back after Mikey does, hand retracting. “Sorry for waking you up.” 

“It’s no problem! Tell Dad I miss him whenever you find him, by the way!” 

“We will, kiddo,” Mikey once more responds, nodding happily as Shelldon retreats. “Good night, buddy. Have a good recharge.” 

“Nighty night, Uncle Mikey!” With that, it’s the equivalent to their goodbye for the time being as the robot once more retires to his charging station, shutting down. 

The middle child sighs quietly as they exit the room, leaving the little bot to his recharge and rest. “So, Donnie’s been feeling sad lately. That doesn’t explain why he’s been so snappy with all of us.” 

“He could be surpressed,” Mikey suggests. 

_ “Depressed,” _ Raph gently corrects. 

“Yeah,  _ that!” _

“Why would he be depressed?” Leo makes more than just a few vague gestures, frown deepening. “I mean, yeah, he was when we were younger, we all were! But things are great now, aren’t they?” He rolls his wrist. “We shredded  _ Shedder _ and defeated the Foot Clan and we’ve basically been  _ thriving _ lately! How can he be depressed  _ now, _ of all times?” 

Raph gently shakes his head at the other, a hand pressing against his shoulder in a supportive gesture. “Leo,” he gently begins, “You know better than anyone that you don’t need a reason to be depressed.” He pats the others’ shoulder. “And, besides, Donnie did go through a lot of trauma with everything. Almost all of his tech was destroyed, everything he worked up to for years got damaged one way or another, his… Robot son got murdered with his grandma, I guess. And his shell was ripped open and all his go-to comfort items got destroyed, too.” 

“Not to say he doesn’t need a reason to be depressed,” Mikey comments softly, but the nod that follows is supportive, too. “But we still need to find him. Remember how bad his episodes could get when we were younger?” 

“But he also didn’t have any healthy coping mechanisms then,” Raph reminds, though it’s clear that he wants to find the other as quickly as he can. “We’ll patrol for him, though. Rooftops and all that.” 

“Great,” Leo remarks, only slightly negative. He does understand what they mean, though, moving along without any sort of fight about it. He’s unofficially the leader, but the true title still belongs to Raph and while Splinter wants them to battle it out or whatever, the brothers weren’t willing to fight for the spot when Raph was already good at it and Leo wasn’t even sure he handle the pressure of it all. 

Raph moves to the main room, telling their father, “Hey, Pops, we’re goin’ to find Donnie!” 

“Alright, don’t get into any fights,” he replies, though it’s certainly a tease as he returns his attention to whatever Draxum had been saying about the old Lou Jitsu film, seemingly confused about the mechanics and technicalities. It was hilarious just how much Donnie was like the former villain despite not even having been raised by him. At first, Donnie had been appalled by Leo saying that (albeit in a patronizing tone) but he had grown to be fond of it, fond of his father figure, just like Mikey was. They were three peas in a pod once Donnie was allowed to talk about science with him. 

The three leave their home, each taking a different direction. 

And Raph had caught up with him first, finding his brother running along the rooftop, swiping at his face every now and then. With the rain, Raph couldn’t blame him, but it was a bit odd he wasn’t using his goggles to block the rain. 

“Donie,” Raph happily calls, perking up at seeing the purple-coded brother. 

Donnie, however, sharpens significantly. 

And  _ that _ was what lead the oldest Hamato son to chase the second youngest, the two having a rough tussle that eventually ends with Raoh eventually tackling him to the ground, pinning him there, the two panting harshly, though Donnie’s seemed to be more hyperventilating than anything. 

“I’m useless to the  _ team,” _ Donnie sobs. “Just let me  _ go. _ I’ll leave and you never have to worry about me ever again!” 

Raph tenses up, pulling back slightly. His weight is more than enough to keep Donnie from going anywhere, keeping him pinned beneath him but not causing harm with his weight. He moves the bō away, not wanting to acknowledge the cuts that may or may not have been caused by him during their tussle, he doesn’t entirely know. Instead of saying something sensible, he finds himself asking, “What the  _ fuck _ are you talking about, Don?” 

“Y - You don’t  _ need me,” _ he says, his words more distinguishable this time around, not slurred by sobs. “I can’t offer anything if my tech isn’t needed and it hasn’t been needed since we officially became the Hamato clan and it won’t be needed any time soon, either. I’m not  _ important _ now and you don’t need anyone to build anything for you since Leo can teleport and you can just make fakes of yourself and Mikey is just- well- he’s  _ Mikey!”  _

“Hey, hey, hold on,” Raph moves his hands out in front of himself, trying to get his brother to slow down with all the words he had shoveled out within one breath. “Just breathe right now, Dee, okay? We can talk this out after we get home. It’s okay.” 

“It’s  _ not _ okay,” Donnie yells, taking Raph’s moment of weakness in his hands and grabbing the bō, shoving his brother off of him in one slick movement. Raph can’t help but notice that it doesn’t light up with the powers like it used to. Since when had Donnie lost the glow to him? “It’s not  _ okay _ and it hasn’t been for  _ so long!” _

Raph watches as his brother stands up, a broken sob wracking his body. “Hey, hold on,” he says once more, forcing himself up from his fall, the red of his own mystic powers blossoming, helping him up. He doesn’t miss the way Donnie flinches at seeing it, drawing in on himself. “What do you even  _ mean? _ We need you! You’re our brother!” 

“I’m  _ not, _ though,” Donnie whispers brokenly, “I’m not even your brother, not biologically…” 

“So  _ what, _ you were born female,” Raph snaps. “Big deal! You’re still a boy to us, and if you don’t want to be a guy, cool, we’ll use whatever pronouns or name you want, no questions asked.” He frowns deeply. “And you’re Hamato, obviously!” 

“No, I’m  _ not,” _ he chokes out, seemingly crumbling. His voice lowers, just barely loud enough to be heard over the rain. “I can’t use my mystic powers,” he admits. “I could only use them for a couple of weeks and then…” 

“Do you still trust us the same,” Raph asks, his voice solid but full of concern. 

“Of  _ course, _ I do!” 

The oldest shakes his head, already aware that it’s a lie. “It’s okay, Donnie,” he says with a soft smile. “That’s fine, you know. You don’t  _ have to. _ Yeah, Gram Gram wanted that, but we can work on that, okay?” 

Donnie sniffles, shaking his head. “I  _ trust you,” _ he whispers, not minding as Raph moves closer, “but… If I can’t help you anymore, what’s my  _ point? _ I’m supposed to help  _ protect you all, _ make all these inventions that can save you guys and help all of you get better. I can’t even… I’m the  _ weakest, _ and I’m just holding all of you back…” 

Raph loosely wraps his arms around his brother, closing his eyes. Donnie weakly lets his forehead fall down, pressing against Raph’s shoulder. He can feel the tears fall, the sobs that shake his body. “Donnie, you’re not the weakest. We’re all weak one way or another, but you  _ know _ we aren’t trying to figure out who’s the weakest and who’s the strongest. We have our strengths, we have our weaknesses, but we’re strongest  _ together _ and weakest  _ apart.”  _ He’s careful about touching the other’s shell, wary of the area. It couldn’t have been more than just a bit of pressure on his battle shell, but  _ still. _ “You don’t need to have a reason to be our brother, Donnie. We all love, one way or another. And you’re stuck with us all, anyway.” 

Donnie hums softly, holding tightly to his brother, arms wrapping around the oldest’s waist as he sobs. It’s going to take far more than just one speech, the oldest knows, but it’s a start. 


	3. Now that it's fixed, polish it, kiss it, and check on it as is needed

Donnie sits silently in the living room, having cried himself hoarse over the last few days. His eyes have deep bags beneath them but he’s looking better than he did a few days ago, when he was soaked to the bone and sobbing and bleeding as Raphael carried him back home, listening to Donnie bawl, holding him so tightly. Donnie had shared more than just a few hugs with each other, Donnie doing his best to explain how he was  _ useless. _ That had made even April lose her compossure, as well as Draxum and Splinter, the two adults doing their best to comfort their shared son. 

His issues didn’t lie within not trusting his siblings, but instead not trusting himself. He had laid so much trust in his brothers and friends and family, but lost all of it within himself. He couldn’t trust that he was valuable, that he was needed, that he was  _ wanted. _ And, apparently, it had been going on for a while now. Donnie had just never said anything about it, handling the nightmares that came with his PTSD without a word to the others out of fear that it would be the final straw to get them kicked out of the family, pushed away and discarded. 

And now, he sits beside Mikey, his brother not saying a word, head on his shoulder and eyes focused on the screen. Donnie’s leaning against Leo’s shoulder, the older brother having his head placed atop Donnie’s own head. Raph has his arms wrapped around the three, loose and more than enough for Donnie to push them all away if needed. They’ve learned better than to crowd around Donnie, especially enough that it became too overwhelming. However, the pressure of Raph’s chin on the top of Leo’s head and Leo’s cheek on the top of his own, as well as Mikey comfortably laid out beside him. 

He doesn’t know why, but the comfort the scene gives him makes his eyes water. Soon, soft sobs fall from his lips, the blanket around him slipping as he leans forward, ducking his head. He feels bad for disturbing his brothers, but he can’t help it. It hurts his lungs to sit in this position. The scarring burns with the tinniest bit of breathing. 

Mikey leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his brothers’ cheek. The affection is so casual, so much so  _ Mikey _ that it makes him only cry that much harder, leaning sideways to hug his brother. 

They’ve not questioned his outbursts in sobs lately, thankfully, After the whole attempt at running away and the boy slowly opening up more and more about the nightmares and insecurities and how bad his depression had become because of it. It hadn’t taken them but a few days to adapt and within the time they’ve had since, Donnie’s slowly began to get his mystic powers back. It’s small things, things like unintentionally bonding with the TV remote the way he would with his bō, which had surprised him so much and made him sob so hard that he almost passed out and almost threw up, too. 

Shelldon was there a good portion of the time, too, bringing his father inventions to tinker with with the excuse that he had “broken” them. Donnie knew better, but he was thankful for the thought to it. He couldn’t help but feel bad every single time Shelldon said he was sad or different from how he normal was, but Shelldon never commented on it after Mikey had apparently had explained the situation to him (delicately, for real, according to Leo). He was a bit surprised when Shelldon called him Dad for the first time, though, devolving into horrid sobs that wracked his whole body. He had asked which of his brothers had messed with his systems and circutry, only to promptly cry harder when Shelldon admitted that he had installed the patch himself because he wanted Donnie to know how he really saw their relationship. 

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out as he clings to the youngest. He couldn’t deny that he felt guilty about ever being negative or sad in front of him, some older sibling instinct to protect him there and instilled in his brain not to let anything hurt Mikey and hitting him every single time he was vulnerable in front of the youngest. 

“S’okay, Dee,” Mikey whispers as he affectionately rubs his cheek against the others’ own. “Sometimes, you just gotta cry it out.” 

The second youngest merely sniffles and nods, not having any sort of retort for him as he clings to his brother. The otlder two joining their hug, holding together Donnie and letting him cry once more. He can’t even begin to count just how many times he’s cried lately, having intentionally stopped counting for the sake of not wanting to think about it anymore. Every single time he did, it made him feel that much worse all over again, so he’s more than just a bit willing to discard it for the sake of his own mental health. Having a particuarly bad episode of depression after months of trauma-inducing  _ bullshit _ is already rough, then to add on the realization that his fear of not being needed was suddenly there and instilled, well, it had been more than just a bit mentally shattering. 

He’s doing so uch better, even with the constant crying that happens at absolute random. It could range anywhere from the time he had dropped a straw on the ground and downright  _ sobbed _ to this very moment which has him doing his best to compose himself. However, the one thing that guaranteed he would downright break apart and bawl was mentions of how he was  _ before _ Raph had intervened and kept his brother from maybe running aay. To his brothers, his intentions were unclear and up to himself to decide, but to Donnie, it had been a one-way trip to take a swan dive that he had yet to admit to anyone just yet. 

However, it crosses his mind and makes him suddenly push his brothers away, needing a moment to breathe. It takes every ounce of self control not to hyperventilate right then and there. 

“I wasn’t just go - going to… to  _ run away,” _ he admits in a whimper. He frantically scrubs at his cheeks, aware of the stitches around the cuts along his cheek. “I - I was going to - to…” 

Leo smiles softly at him, supportively telling him, “It’s okay, Donnie, you got this.” 

“I was going to  _ kill myself,”  _ he admits to leo, the broken words knowingly being heard by the other two, too. 

Leo’s face drops, though, eyes widening within an instant. His mouth falls open and Donnie can already imagine that if he looks at his other two siblings, they’ll have tears flowing down their cheeks. 

_ “What,”  _ Leo breathes out in a whispers. 

“I was going to kill myself,” he admits. He looks down at his own lap, teards falling and staining the fabric of his blanket. “I wanted to just… just  _ leave, _ so none of you have to see it or find me… find me…  _ You know.” _ His voice becomes more shrill as he speaks, the well of emotions threatening him. “I didn’t want to be alive if it meant I couldn’t be around you guys anymore. And I’m so sorry for that.” 

Leo brings a hand up, thumb gently running along Donnie’s cheek. “Hey, little bro, it’s okay,” he mutters. “I’m sorry we ever let you believe we don’t love you unconditionally no matter what. And I’m  _ so _ sorry you felt that way.” 

The twins fought commonly, often fighting no matter what it was over, the dumbest of arguments occurring. But now, as Donnie breaks and the brothers realize just how bad it’s gotten, they all understand and no one is willing to argue. 

“We love you  _ so much,” _ Raph whispers as they all mvoe to hug the others, Donnie relaxing into it as Mikey hums his agreement. 

And, again, it’s not just a “kiss it better” situation. It’s going to take time and a lot of love, they all know, but it’s a good step and it’s in the right direction. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been absolutely DYING to write some Donnie angst about this since I realized just how bad the whole Hamato 2.0 upgrades would affect Donnie after Donnie vs Witch town spoke out about his fear of not being needed because of the mystic weapons. 
> 
> Also, are we ever going to acknowledge that Mikey's weapon was literally alive and got brutally fucking murdered?
> 
> Anyways, please leave comments! I really would love to hear what you all have to say about this fic! If you especially liked it, here's my discord server! And if you're wondering because you've seen it on other fics, YES, it should still work.   
> https://discord.gg/eGkwayy


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